Contempt is defined as the act of despising, a lack of respect or reverence for something or someone, regarding someone as worthless and inferior, the state of being despised or dishonored.Dan Allendar expounds on four vital ways that contempt holds power over humanity in the book, The Wounded Heart.
First, contempt diminishes our own shame. The disgust I spew at your failure lessens the focus of my own, shielding me from the reminder that who I am is not okay. I scrounge every ounce of my energy to fling ugliness towards your mistake so that I don’t have time to gather the brokenness of my own self-mockery. My shame is shadowed by contempt’s glaring power.
Second, contempt deadens our longings. When people abuse our innate needs for things like love and significance we develop painful wounds. We grow up learning to behave contemptuously to protect us from those deep, aching needs within. If I don’t need you, then you can’t hurt me. If I don’t open my heart to those desires in me that have been mistreated and manipulated, then I won’t be reminded of those gaping wounds of past betrayals. I must work constantly “to avoid or destroy whatever increases sorrow in our unpredictable and dangerous world… Contempt is a cruel anesthetic to longing.” (pg 67)
Contempt also deceives us into thinking that we have control. If I build a lifestyle of contempt, criticizing and noticing everyone else’s imperfections, I can pretend that I am in control of myself. As I muddle through a world where so little is in my power, I can create a false semblance of control with my outpouring of disgust for others. “Contempt provides a strange antidote for the struggle of confusion, terror, and helplessness…” (pg 68)
Finally, contempt keeps us from seeing the real problem. Let me be blind to the truth of my wounds. Let my failure stay hidden. Let my fallible humanity and my fragile personhood be denied. Lest I see my deep and utter helplessness without God, my crippling shame, my painful longings, my lack of control. Contempt allows us to hide from clarity.
In a world that feels so unsafe, surrounded by practices of contempt, how do we survive?
We choose love. With every demanding knock of contempt’s desire to be welcomed in, we instead embrace love. We allow the shame to bubble up, tasting it’s bitterness in the back of our throats, and we immediately allow God to wrap our exposure in His accepting arms. We give Him room to heal those shame-filled wounds with His adoration of who we truly are.
We allow the longings to revive and breathe again, sensing the possible disappointment and the stifling fear of our neediness, and risking the vulnerability anyway. We recognize that we are made to connect, to join, to desire and in these relational necessities, sometimes we get hurt. Often we fail each other. Sometimes our mistakes wound. But the joy of an essence connecting, a core bond creating is an intimate taste of heaven itself.
We release false control, pretense of independence, and trust that God’s hand securely grasps all power. Our muscles relax, letting go of the demand to be in charge, knowing that His promises to make all things good are full of a purpose and a plan far above our understanding. We try so hard to escape pain, to avoid heartache. We reach for Spring’s resurrection wanting to never feel Winter’s death. But all seasons are necessary for growth, for new life, and in our falling back into the arms of our Creator, we find His freedom and peace.
Ultimately, our hearts receive the gift of clarity, to see the truth of our condition and of our Father’s grace. Contempt’s heavy curtain is ripped down and shredded while the truth sets us free.
It is then that we are able to step into the community of contempt that surrounds us without becoming contemptuous ourselves. We can experience other’s desperate avoidance of shame and empathize authentically with their innate need for acceptance. We can witness the ineffectual deadening of God given longings and the incredible grieving of overwhelmed hearts. We can watch their intense struggle to claim power that isn’t their own and their blinding denial to the powerlessness at their core. And we can offer our love, knowing personally how deep the hurt runs, how crippling the wounds can be, how devastating recovery can feel, and how real God’s amazing freedom is.
