If you ask me to tell
you a story, even if it’s from my painful past, then I can sit down and share
intimate details with you without a problem. But if you try to look me in the
eye and get to know who I am in the here and now, if you focus on me and what I’m
going through presently, I want to shrink and cry and run away.
Being loved by Peter,
oh boy is that opening up these doors. He sees me in a way that I have never
been seen before and he cares for me. So what do I do? Well, I push him away by
focusing on his messiness, I pull away by distracting with school. I let him in
for short times and then I try desperately to pack that vulnerability away
before it gets to be too much.
Attending the Master’s
program to become an MFT, the walls are being beaten down! I am staring into
the face of a career where I am held to a higher standard than others, where I
am positioned as the expert in caring for myself and others, where I am
intently observed and asked to prove myself over and over. I try to hide behind
papers and homework, thinking it’s an area I excel at and can feel confident
in. Instead, it busts out the weak foundation I stand on. Nothing I do feels
safe. Nothing I hear triggers assurance. Nothing I read squashes self-doubt.
It all reminds me that I am not good enough
and that fact is going to be exposed. Peter will see sooner than later that I’m
not good enough for his love. Maybe he will become distant. Maybe he will be
annoyed at me. Maybe he will just be disappointed. Somewhere along the way a
teacher, a classmate, a client will see that I am not good enough to be a
therapist. I will fall on my face and be exposed, humiliated, embarrassed, feel
like a fool. Who do I think I am letting a man like Peter this close!! Or
stepping into a program where quality people are choosing to become healers!!
What made me think that I could move into such places and succeed?
After laying this out on the table, my fear lost some of its
power. I went to school that night feeling excited and renewed. The deep wounds
are still there, but they are being flushed, cleaned, exposed, and slowly
healed. People told me this program would be an emotional one. I didn’t think
it would be tapped into in the first four weeks. Let the healing begin!
