Don't Stop Pursuing

9-18-11
God is calling to me today. He wants to come in to the deepest hurts. He wants to embrace the things I hide, to bring to life things that were dead. I’ve told him no all morning.

“Yes, I love you, but I don’t want this. Yes, I want you, but not in there.”
It is the hidden hurt that I wasn’t loved. It is the dead hopes that anyone could.

“I don’t know how to explore this, God. You pursue. I feel the depth of you calling me Beloved, knocking at my window, inviting me into your perfect love. But the fear of experiencing those emotions holds me back. Is this where your journey of forgiveness is traveling? I don’t want that. But you continue to call with your generous love.”

Song of Songs 1:6b My mother’s sons were angry with me
and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I had to neglect.
Others around me were angry and chose to force me to take care of them and their shame. I neglected myself. I let them convince me that my flaws were deep and that I had to accept responsibility for it all. I didn’t protect myself. I struggled picking up their burdens and carrying them on my weary back.

Song of Songs 2:2 Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the young women.
But the truth is, I am cherished above others. God speaks to me because I am His Beloved. I am chosen. I am treasured. I am loved. Shame does not belong on this heart. Jesus destroyed shame for me and poured grace over me. People in my past, who allowed their own wounds to rule their choices, who were soaked in their own ugly shame, too big to take, and who made those cruel, surviving decision… were wrong. I am a lily among thorns.

Song of Songs 2:4 Let him lead me to the banquet hall, and let his banner over me be love.
In response to His adoration, I willingly open myself to his leading, dancing under His loving eye. I spin with delight at the burdens lifted off my back. I twirl and jump with the freedom of His salvation. I feast at the table lavishly set for me. I close my eyes and breathe in the declarations He speaks. I am his and his banner over me is love.

Song of Songs 2:8-13 Listen! My beloved! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Look! There he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows,
peering through the lattice. My beloved spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.”
He is calling to me, “Arise, Come.” Winter, the time of grief, hurt, and loneliness is past. He has broken down the walls of my guarded heart. His hands have reached in a healed years of pain and heartbreak. I am alone no longer. I am burdened no more. The time of singing and joy is here. Satisfaction, nourishment, growth is waiting. Flowers of love are blooming around me, spreading fragrance so intoxicating. Warm breezes comfort me and the sunshine pours it‘s glories on my head. He is here to love me. He is calling my name. “Arise, Come.”

Song of Songs 2:14-15 My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely. Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.
“Show me your face. No more hiding. Let me embrace you. It is time that your heart feels the full beauty of being loved.”

I’m told that it will happen, that I will see God. Sitting on the grass this morning, outside of the church building where people were listening and worshipping, I did see Him. Between the thin pages of my Bible, in the Song of Songs, I heard His love.
And as much as the morning’s calling rings purely in my heart, I still reply, “I don’t want it.” I don’t even know if I am capable of finding and uncovering such death and hurt. “I hear you speaking, it is you that will reveal, it is you that quickens, it is you that heals. Give me the space, Lord. Surround me with the safety I desire when you do your work. I don’t want this, but I choose to say yes now, knowing that I will say no again and again, and asking you, trusting you to do what you will.”