Rejected

1 Samuel 8:6-9

            “But when they said, Give us a king to lead us,” this displeased Samuel; so he prayed to the Lord. And the Lord told him: “Listen to all that the people are saying to you; it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king. As they have done from the day I brought them up out of Egypt until this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are doing to you. Now listen to them; but warn them solemnly and let them know what the king who will reign over them will do.”

            Samuel was chosen by God, called out at an early age to be His servant and work in the temple. He was a faithful prophet and judge over the people of Israel. When his sons were appointed as Israel’s judges, they showed themselves to be corrupt men. The people were justified in their complaints about this new leadership. They did not turn to God to address this, but instead demanded a king in place of the system of judges God had established. Feeling greatly rejected, Samuel went to God with the people’s request. God’s words to Samuel were comforting. “This isn’t about you. They are not rejecting you. This is about their rejection of me.” They had forsaken God, continually choosing to focus their attention and adoration on everything else but Him. And then God told Samuel how to handle it: Listen to their complaints. Hear their hurts, frustrations, and desires. Warn them of where their refusal to turn to me will take them. And then….give them what they want. “Give them a king.” Vs. 22

            Often, I accept the weight of rejection as personal and deserved. I have felt great shame in my unnamed failure that seemed to have caused such painful circumstances. I have been crippled by the burden. Did Samuel blame himself for the upheaval around him and the people's refusal to follow God and His ways? Did he wonder if his mistakes, his flaws had brought him to the place where his sons were choosing to live sinfully and his countrymen were rejecting him? Did his shoulders start to hunch as depression set in? Did he feel like who he was, all he gave just wasn’t enough?

            I’ve felt Samuel’s great disappointment in being rejected and wondered where I went wrong. Why I was so deeply flawed? What did I do to deserve betrayal? Why would our friendship end so suddenly? Why would they tell lies that destroy my family? Why would they behave in such an incredibly hateful way?

             I’ve always, in one way or another, shouldered the blame. I wasn’t desirable enough. I was too selfish and wasn’t worth the trouble. I failed to live up to their expectations. I wasn’t important enough for reconciliation. Maybe my family was bad. Maybe others abandoned me because I deserved it. I am the cause. I have failed. I am the reason for these cruelties.

            The Lord spoke into Samuel’s life then with undeniable clarity. “They are not rejecting you, Samuel. You have no shame to bear in this. They are rejecting me, my ways, my laws, my love. This is about their lack of awareness in what I can do, lack of willingness to obey me no matter the cost. This is all about their relationship with me.”

            “Will they have a love that is willing to lay down life for another? Will they have a faith that will step out into a torrent of troubles to be by my side? Will they allow transformation to make them different, ready to stand in the full armor of my provision? Will they refuse temptation’s call and accept vulnerability’s cost? Will they show humility to forgive and sacrifice to love?”

            When the answers are no, when God’s urging is ignored, I am to respond  as Samuel was directed, first by listening. With an empathic attitude, I am to hear them. Without taking responsibility for their choices, I am to open myself to their words, thoughts, and unspoken messages. To understand their fears and frustrations. To release my need for acceptance. To listen to their story.

            God then tells me to warn them. I make an effort to understand their feelings and desires so I can warn them of what’s to come. With concern and love, I can express the consequences clearly visible. Lies will permanently damage the bond we cherish. The loss of connection will be grievious. The destruction of trust, devastating. I can ask that we turn to God, stepping away from our perception of injustices done and heartaches experienced, and choosing to follow His leading towards love.

            If they won’t hear me, if their decision is to go their own way, then I can do nothing but let them. I don’t carry the burden of their choices. All that I can offer is to listen and warn. Even when their complaints are justified, turning away from God is never the right answer. To recognize that they are rejecting God and not me is to free myself from the burden of shame wrongly shouldered.  We are all flawed, we all want to do it our way, but I am not responsible for anyone's choices but my own.

            Will I show the kind of love that Jesus did? Will I experience the storm walking life with God?Will I be transformed by His power, not conformed to this world? Will I run from the temptation to make it all about me and gladly take the risk of being vulnerable?

            I will choose to hear God’s clear voice and take comfort in His reassurance. I will be humbled by His forgiveness and love. I will hold out my hand to receive and outstretch my arm to offer.

Other People's Messes

“Stability means not being side swiped at every corner by someone else’s chaos.”

Session 1

When I was a child, other people’s messes were all over me. I was surrounded by chaos and sadness and struggle. Other people’s hurts and bad decisions came crashing down on me often. So, I took on the responsibility to be the one who cleaned up the mess. I spent my life energy feeling that heavy responsibility that should’ve been shoved back onto their shoulders. I was angry and resentful and frustrated.

I wonder, when their messes came falling down on you, how did you react?

A man I knew tried to push himself on me… that was definitely someone else’s mess spilling over into my life. I looked to others for help cleaning up this disaster, and they laughed. So I kicked that mess as hard as I could and watched it roll on the ground moaning in pain. Good for me right?

You cleaned up someone else’s mess when no one would help you. You then had a choice to either tell someone else and let them help get rid of the mess or to keep it to yourself. What did you do?

 I decided to keep it to myself.

How did that feel?

I cannot express how terribly alone that felt.

 To have cleaned up someone else’s bad decision, to have suffered from their mess and to have stood up and said no… but then to have walked away with that secret to carry alone. I can understand that was horribly sad for you. Did you ever tell anyone?

I chose not to tell someone else. What if they wouldn’t help me? What if they would’ve said it was partly my fault? Maybe the shame and responsibility would’ve crushed me.

But maybe they would’ve stood up and fought for you. Can you imagine how that would’ve felt?

Oh the love and importance I would’ve been filled with! I would’ve known I was cherished. I would’ve felt such pride and connection! I had choices. No matter how hopeless it felt, no matter how unfair the circumstances were, I had choices.

 And I have choices now, whether it’s a literal mess I come home to or the figurative mess made when others strike out. When other people make messes and the feeling of responsibility starts to crush me, I can recognize the truth of my past and my present. And I can let go.

No matter how much I know this truth, I don’t succeed often. I feel the loneliness of being the one who has to clean up other people’s messes start to envelop me, and it hurts, and I get angry! I am powerless to make others change, to get them to help, to show them how much it hurts me even when it’s something as simple as the kitchen sink over running. It is hopeless that they will ever take the need for cleaning up their messes seriously.

You still have a choice.

I can live with it, the pit of anxiety and frustration firmly in my gut. I can accept the mess. Or I can clean it up. But it isn’t mine!!!

I get that, but those are the choices. You are not powerless. You have choices. Which one is better?

I want to live in a clean house, so I will clean it, knowing it isn’t my responsibility. But then how can I get back at them? What can the consequences be? What’s the punishment?

 There is none. You clean it by choice for your peace of mind. You clean it because you want it clean. You clean it without picking up the weight of their burden. And you forgive them, you let it go. You love them.

But that’s not fair!! They are getting away with it. What would make them ever clean up their own mess when they know I will just do it for them, without any consequences???

Maybe, just maybe, they will pick up the weight of your love. Feel it deep down in their wounded places. And maybe they will respond.