Other People's Messes

“Stability means not being side swiped at every corner by someone else’s chaos.”

Session 1

When I was a child, other people’s messes were all over me. I was surrounded by chaos and sadness and struggle. Other people’s hurts and bad decisions came crashing down on me often. So, I took on the responsibility to be the one who cleaned up the mess. I spent my life energy feeling that heavy responsibility that should’ve been shoved back onto their shoulders. I was angry and resentful and frustrated.

I wonder, when their messes came falling down on you, how did you react?

A man I knew tried to push himself on me… that was definitely someone else’s mess spilling over into my life. I looked to others for help cleaning up this disaster, and they laughed. So I kicked that mess as hard as I could and watched it roll on the ground moaning in pain. Good for me right?

You cleaned up someone else’s mess when no one would help you. You then had a choice to either tell someone else and let them help get rid of the mess or to keep it to yourself. What did you do?

 I decided to keep it to myself.

How did that feel?

I cannot express how terribly alone that felt.

 To have cleaned up someone else’s bad decision, to have suffered from their mess and to have stood up and said no… but then to have walked away with that secret to carry alone. I can understand that was horribly sad for you. Did you ever tell anyone?

I chose not to tell someone else. What if they wouldn’t help me? What if they would’ve said it was partly my fault? Maybe the shame and responsibility would’ve crushed me.

But maybe they would’ve stood up and fought for you. Can you imagine how that would’ve felt?

Oh the love and importance I would’ve been filled with! I would’ve known I was cherished. I would’ve felt such pride and connection! I had choices. No matter how hopeless it felt, no matter how unfair the circumstances were, I had choices.

 And I have choices now, whether it’s a literal mess I come home to or the figurative mess made when others strike out. When other people make messes and the feeling of responsibility starts to crush me, I can recognize the truth of my past and my present. And I can let go.

No matter how much I know this truth, I don’t succeed often. I feel the loneliness of being the one who has to clean up other people’s messes start to envelop me, and it hurts, and I get angry! I am powerless to make others change, to get them to help, to show them how much it hurts me even when it’s something as simple as the kitchen sink over running. It is hopeless that they will ever take the need for cleaning up their messes seriously.

You still have a choice.

I can live with it, the pit of anxiety and frustration firmly in my gut. I can accept the mess. Or I can clean it up. But it isn’t mine!!!

I get that, but those are the choices. You are not powerless. You have choices. Which one is better?

I want to live in a clean house, so I will clean it, knowing it isn’t my responsibility. But then how can I get back at them? What can the consequences be? What’s the punishment?

 There is none. You clean it by choice for your peace of mind. You clean it because you want it clean. You clean it without picking up the weight of their burden. And you forgive them, you let it go. You love them.

But that’s not fair!! They are getting away with it. What would make them ever clean up their own mess when they know I will just do it for them, without any consequences???

Maybe, just maybe, they will pick up the weight of your love. Feel it deep down in their wounded places. And maybe they will respond.