ANXIETY

 

I went to my appointment with anticipation for healing and comfort, for renewal and more forward motion on the path I’m walking. I walked away with intense disappointment, mostly in myself.

For the past few years, I have felt my body growing tighter and tighter. I have felt my ability to relax lessen. Muscles have grown harder, not in sculpting and strengthening, but in knotting and stubbornness. Focusing on my breathing, accepting the gift of massage, or taking a relaxing weekend away, none of these have brought me relief. Not even the incredibleness of being loved has successfully convinced my body to let go.

My shoulders ache from their raised position. My neck cramps from the lack of oxygen my muscles receive. My lower back tenses and cries for attention. My jaw clenches, grinding my teeth. Migraines plague me for months at a time.

When I broke my ankle March 2012, my left thigh went on extreme high alert, guarding against anything that came within a ten foot radius. It’s still unable to let go of that 24 hour duty. It is hard and tired and unwilling to accept that my ankle is healed.

My stomach surgery in the summer of 2007 left me with more than the vertical scar that runs down my body. The muscles that were cut are still angry. I feel their protectiveness, the damage done.  I feel their fear.

I was told today that my body is not ready to let go.

I am in a constant fight or flight mode. I don’t release even when the danger has passed and I am safe. I’m afraid. I’m terrified of losing more than I already have. I’m sickened by the idea that my decisions have cost others dearly. I’m afraid of failing or being failed. I fear disappointment, physical pain, not being enough, and people finally recognizing that truth. I’m afraid of love dissolving, of security being jerked out from under me, and of discovering that I don’t have a true grasp on anything solid.

The Bible says that perfect love casts out fear. I’ve repeated that verse countless times to myself. And I pray, “I believe, Lord, help my unbelief!” Still, I am always poised for attack, and it is taking a heavy toll on my mind and body. I am choosing to start a daily practice of meditation and yoga in an effort to release this anxiety. I am crying out to God, confessing my inability and begging for His hope.  I don’t know what else to do.

Do I need to scream, wail, break things, burn things to let go of the past? What does grieving require of me? Where do I climb to throw this control off and be free? Do I have to confess to others, admit I need help? I am willing! I want release!! Is forgiveness required? Must I learn to trust in a deeper way? I will commit myself to these miraculous choices. Whatever it takes, I will do!

Phil. 4:5-7 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.