I acknowledged to God my deep need for security. And then questioned. "Do I not know my husband's love is secure?" Shaking my head, I began to bring his failures and my fears before God. "What do I do with all of this? If I don't step in and take care of everything, it may not get done!!" I stamped my inner feet and demanded validation that my way was the best.
"I want you to trust him, Beloved." Tears sprang instantly as frustration and fear bubbled. I trust him with my heart, my love, my secrets, but I don't trust him to take care of me.
"I need to make sure bills are paid, work is done, responsibilities are met!" I argued.
"What would happen if you didn't?"
"They could be forgotten!!" Incredulous, I debated stronger than before. The weight on my shoulders increased along with the lonely burden of carrying it.
"What's the worst that could happen, Jenny?" He whispered softly.
"Bills could be lost or paid late! Our credit could be affected! We may not be able to get a loan for the house!" Seriously? That's what I was worried about? It's all I could come up with.
"Do you trust me?" I heard Him call. "Then do what I'm asking. Trust him. And even when he fails, Beloved, trust him, show him grace. Let go."
"I don't believe this comes from you, God! These things are supposed to be taken care of! It's our responsibility to pay things on time and take good care of what you've given us!"
"He is willing to love you like I love my church. He is willing to lay down his life for yours. Lay back, close your eyes, and rest."
My face crumpled as my heart said no once again. It wasn't right! It wasn't fair to ask this of me! I searched my memory for proof that this is what God would really be saying, and found verses in Ephesians telling me to submit to my husband, telling him to love me fully.
"Do you trust me?" God's beckoning stirred so deeply, swirling the desires and the truth that I knew in my core. But I was so afraid. He wanted me to let go of all control, to let these earthly things go, and to love my husband in a bigger way.
"Take no thought for tomorrow; today has enough in it. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything with prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known. Let go."
"But Lord!! I need more proof that you want me to let it all go. Please! I want to feel safe! I need that! And I am the only...:
"Trust in me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge me in all your ways and I will direct your path."
"Lord, I am so afraid. When have I ever been safe giving control to someone else? How can I let go? How can I trust and show grace?"
"I am holding you both in the palm of my hand. Even when he fails, and he will fail, I will not. Trust in me. This control you so desperately grasp for creates the anxiety, the conflict, the distance, the stress that hurts you. I want so much good for you, Beloved! Let go of this need. Let go and give it all to me."
I want to love my husband fully. I want to be the woman God made me to be, to honor my husband and be his biggest support. I do not want to tear him down or to create walls between us with my critical heart that is urgently trying to prove that I should be in control of everything, to prove that I am only safe in my own care. I do not want this. I want to place my life in God's care and in the arms of the man He has blessed me with.
I am terrified but feel the peace that goes beyond all understanding filling my heart. This is truly God's directive and His truth showing me what I've been doing and what He has planned for my good.
My loneliness? It is simply a byproduct of my desperation to have all control. I push everyone away, and I stand alone. God, in His wisdom and grace wants to heal my loneliness.
"Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief."
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