We all have a system of parts working in us: the selfish part, the let-loose part, the responsible part, etc. I love the part of me that comes out in the therapy room, the non-judgmental, empathetic part or the part that is in control at Outskirts, the good listener who calmly speaks out of humility and wisdom. I dislike the parts of me that are critical, mostly of the person I live with and love, that are triggered and defensive, and that are wounded and insecure.
I have discovered that this wounded child part shows up and takes control more than I thought. Sitting in a new arena and hearing someone voice opposition towards the LGBT, for example, she speaks quickly and firmly her position, wanting everyone to know who she is and what she stands for. It is in the assured tone and the harsh declaration that the conversation is then shut down and opportunity is lost to have any kind of meaningful exchange. Yes, I’m glad she stands up for what she believes, but wisdom speaks gently and with love towards ignorance, disagreement, and even towards prejudice.
Even in an exchange between close friends she makes broad, generalized statements that come out sounding extreme. I am learning that it is possibly her insecurity and lack of confidence that respond in such a way. She puffs up and spits out words without true discernment or questioning if this is truly what she believes. Example: She has been wounded by her childhood church and her experiences there with leaders and beliefs. When the subject of that church, those doctrines, or specific people come up, she tends to hurriedly resist the topic, spewing an insult, a declaration against, or a refusal to hear points being made.
“I don’t believe that anymore,” said with a grimace of disgust.
“I hope they leave and become Athiests.” spoken with arrogance and thoughtlessness.
This wounded child, insecure and reactive, also shows up in criticism for my dear husband. Because she lacks confidence, she is on guard always in public situations, trying to figure out the roles of conduct and the expectations of others around her. When dear husband, who is free from such distractions, talks too loud, guffaws boisterously, or behaves in a carefree and silly manner, she feels embarrassment and disgust.
“You’re drawing attention,” she thinks, “people are staring, wondering what cave you just crawled out of.”
“I don’t want them looking at me! What if I’m doing it wrong? They’ll notice if you draw attention to me!!”
“They’re judging me because I am with you. Stop!!”
This is a problem. This reactivity does not portray authenticity. When I examine who it is that I want to be known as, it is someone who is genuine, empathetic, non-judgmental and compassionate. How many people have seen or known me as the judging child who spews criticism and thoughtlessness? How many conversations have been shut down by my harshness or people have been hesitant to speak further with me because of my declarations?
The saddest part in all of this, is the fact that I am missing out on moments to be with others in a genuine way. I am hiding behind false confidence and losing out on opportunities to be known. I am losing chances to get to know people in deeper ways because criticism takes the place of curiousity. And this simply is not who I am in my core self.
I want to sit at the table with someone who believes differently than me about the Bible’s stance on LGBT relationships and open the conversation by hearing them, being curious about how their beliefs were formed, and what experiences they have had in hopes that I can learn more about their perspective and understand better who they are. Maybe, they will become more open to asking how I came to the place where I believe God affirms LGBT relationships.
I want to be filled with forgiveness and grace, even towards oppressing ideas and past relationships that were injurious. Already does the spirit of acceptance and gratitude exist inside of me. I see people in differing religions as mostly genuine in believing what they do and in trying to serve God the best they know how. Just because I am in a different place does not discredit their doctrinal stances or experiences of spiritual living.
I want to continue to be involved in social justice issues while maintaining my authentic love for others and my open ideas that truth is everywhere and can be gleaned from unexpected sources. I want to not only listen to the wisdom from new sources, but have an open heart to hear the knowledge of sources I have moved away from.
I want to walk beside my husband with joy in my heart for his childlike awe and his freedom to express emotions in uninhibited ways. I want to learn from him how to release the childlike side of me, moving past her insecurities and allowing her to be silly and loud and carefree.
Then I will be known for who I truly am, a glorious mix of wacky and wonderful, a flawed woman who learns lessons and grows continuously, and an authentically loving individual who is curious and kind as she cherishes others and their offerings to her world.
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