Saturday, April 30, 2011
Honesty at the Reins
As the words slowly made their way out of my mouth, the understanding bloomed in my heart. In the process of forming sentences to share with my friend, my mind finally found the understanding it had been in need of. It amazes me still. When I held all of my thoughts and emotions tightly in my chest, frustration bubbled, knots formed, confusion raced. When I mustered the courage to allow vulnerability in sharing them out loud, clarity was mine.
How many times will I have to experience this lesson before I trust it? I strive to keep honesty at the top of my list of values, and am surprised still at its power. I heard the whispers of that still, small voice, telling me to keep any kind of blame out of my words, to look inside and express the soft spots of my own making. I listened, struggling to find sense in my disappointments, fighting to clear the vision of what was causing it all. The wisdom in acknowledging that this was about me, my expectations, my insecurities, and my emerging needs freed me to share without casting unnecessary and unfounded fault.
My heart, both confidant and insecure, is gingerly treading the new freedoms around me. Such unknown paths, fun and frightening to explore! I am constantly in states of discovery and growth and it is the most exhilarating journey. At times I feel like a sixteen year old girl, hormones in full swing, drama zipping through me. It’s like I’m growing up at 38, finding giggly dreams and stifling fears inside me. I’m told to protect my heart, to move slowly, to tread carefully. I know I hesitate to trust, fear exposure, ache to be pursued. Above all, I will fight to keep honesty at the reins, steering my authenticity, leading me in growth, navigating my thriving heart.
How many times will I have to experience this lesson before I trust it? I strive to keep honesty at the top of my list of values, and am surprised still at its power. I heard the whispers of that still, small voice, telling me to keep any kind of blame out of my words, to look inside and express the soft spots of my own making. I listened, struggling to find sense in my disappointments, fighting to clear the vision of what was causing it all. The wisdom in acknowledging that this was about me, my expectations, my insecurities, and my emerging needs freed me to share without casting unnecessary and unfounded fault.
My heart, both confidant and insecure, is gingerly treading the new freedoms around me. Such unknown paths, fun and frightening to explore! I am constantly in states of discovery and growth and it is the most exhilarating journey. At times I feel like a sixteen year old girl, hormones in full swing, drama zipping through me. It’s like I’m growing up at 38, finding giggly dreams and stifling fears inside me. I’m told to protect my heart, to move slowly, to tread carefully. I know I hesitate to trust, fear exposure, ache to be pursued. Above all, I will fight to keep honesty at the reins, steering my authenticity, leading me in growth, navigating my thriving heart.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sacred Space
We formed a tight circle, clasped hands, and bowed our heads. Words gently lifted up from their mouths, praising, thanking, honoring our God together. My tears flowed freely with the intimate exchange of gratefulness, this sharing of honest hearts. In the dark privacy of my closed eyes, I felt the slow release of locked doors being opened, my raw heart peeking around the corner, spying out safety. The soft lilt of women's voices comforted. The tender admissions of authentic need encouraged. The warmth and solidity of enclosed hands soothed.
In the silence between, my desire to declare love for my Father prodded my voice to lead out. Nervous of stumbling, afraid of words running dry, I began. A flow of words rushed, thanking God for His presence, the real connection of His Spirit with ours. Vulnerable and genuine, I confessed the current heartaches of my losses, I begged for His mercy to be lavished on those I loved, and I held tightly to the hem of His robe with my sisters in Christ.
The main focus of prayer isn't the eloquent words or heart piercing messages. The spotlight shouldn't be on fancy phrasing or highly spiritual requests. The power is in the intimacy of two or three gathering together, boldly approaching His throne of mercy, and pausing long enough to feel His power. When I listen to heartfelt prayers, beauty is in their willingness to share with me that scared space between their spirit and the heart of God. Honor is in the authentic soul that stands exposed and vulnerable. Connection is built in this most intimate confessions of our deepest faith.
Bowing before my gracious God, I know that He sees ALL of me. I smile at the reflection in my heart of His adoring love. It's in the knowledge that I am completely exposed and utterly cherished that I unload every burden, each worry and fear. I feel His tender gaze on me and I tell Him over and over again how much I love Him, how precious His grace is to me, and how much I treasure having a relationship with the Creator of the universe, and the Lover of my soul. I am in awe of Him. Tears of joy and gratitude flow freely down my cheeks. He is mine and I am His.
So often we hesitate to be vulnerable with those we love. We hold back just enough to create a perceived safety. We reign in emotions so as not to put ourselves out there too much. We control our tears, hide what frightens us, and turn away from sharing those deep stories that make us who we are. When communing with God there is a stripping away of those denials and hesitations. He understands everything about us, in much deeper ways than we even understand ourselves. He knows every story, every script written across hearts. There is where that sacred space is found.
Choosing to entrust that kind of holiness with another can make us anxious, can fill us with dread as we try to work up the courage to speak, can blow us away with the fear of our words just not being good enough! But praise God that's not what prayer is about!! Praise God we have an intercessor, we have someone speaking all the things we can't utter, we have our incredible Father cherishing our fumbling inadequacies, adoring our honest offering. And we have opportunities to connect in one of the most intimate ways with fellow travelers, grasping hands, speaking truth, sharing holiness in prayer.
In the silence between, my desire to declare love for my Father prodded my voice to lead out. Nervous of stumbling, afraid of words running dry, I began. A flow of words rushed, thanking God for His presence, the real connection of His Spirit with ours. Vulnerable and genuine, I confessed the current heartaches of my losses, I begged for His mercy to be lavished on those I loved, and I held tightly to the hem of His robe with my sisters in Christ.
The main focus of prayer isn't the eloquent words or heart piercing messages. The spotlight shouldn't be on fancy phrasing or highly spiritual requests. The power is in the intimacy of two or three gathering together, boldly approaching His throne of mercy, and pausing long enough to feel His power. When I listen to heartfelt prayers, beauty is in their willingness to share with me that scared space between their spirit and the heart of God. Honor is in the authentic soul that stands exposed and vulnerable. Connection is built in this most intimate confessions of our deepest faith.
Bowing before my gracious God, I know that He sees ALL of me. I smile at the reflection in my heart of His adoring love. It's in the knowledge that I am completely exposed and utterly cherished that I unload every burden, each worry and fear. I feel His tender gaze on me and I tell Him over and over again how much I love Him, how precious His grace is to me, and how much I treasure having a relationship with the Creator of the universe, and the Lover of my soul. I am in awe of Him. Tears of joy and gratitude flow freely down my cheeks. He is mine and I am His.
So often we hesitate to be vulnerable with those we love. We hold back just enough to create a perceived safety. We reign in emotions so as not to put ourselves out there too much. We control our tears, hide what frightens us, and turn away from sharing those deep stories that make us who we are. When communing with God there is a stripping away of those denials and hesitations. He understands everything about us, in much deeper ways than we even understand ourselves. He knows every story, every script written across hearts. There is where that sacred space is found.
Choosing to entrust that kind of holiness with another can make us anxious, can fill us with dread as we try to work up the courage to speak, can blow us away with the fear of our words just not being good enough! But praise God that's not what prayer is about!! Praise God we have an intercessor, we have someone speaking all the things we can't utter, we have our incredible Father cherishing our fumbling inadequacies, adoring our honest offering. And we have opportunities to connect in one of the most intimate ways with fellow travelers, grasping hands, speaking truth, sharing holiness in prayer.
Monday, April 18, 2011
The Crossing
I want to picture you and I diving in the dark waters together, coming up with our hair slicked back, our clothes soaked and stuck tight to us. And we’re holding hands, pulling each other along when one gets tired. We’re keeping each other laughing and we’re offering one another strength. We are living hope for each other. So many times we feel like we are standing alone. We feel the frigid coldness of the world around us, the increasing danger of being swept under. There have been desperate times in my life where I wondered “Where is God taking me?”, and frankly, “Where is God?” I wrote this piece during one of those times…
Her small arms are outstretched, fingers trailing the surface of the chilly water, leaving tendrils in each wake. The hip deep water rises slightly with every struggled pull of her right leg and then her left. Eyes are searching, desperate and weary for the land where she can crawl out and finally rest. But it is no where in sight. Fog covers her view with hopeless knowledge that here, where she stands, is her choice; trudge on further with faith in her power, faith in her God, or lie down and let the water roll it’s way over her mouth, filling her nostrils, taking her in it’s cold embrace.
The weight of the water seems to pull at her. Tender and fragile, how long can she last? How much more can she endure? She can feel the tingles in her limbs, the numbness growing stronger. Shivers come and go, leaving exhaustion behind. The coldness bites, a gnawing that never seems to stop. Mud slurps at her toes, sucking them deeper, making each step more difficult. It’s starting to feel like surrendering is the better way.
“I could just relax for a moment, let my fatigued muscles find some respite. My calves are cramping, my knees buckling and I am losing hope. I don’t want to be in this frustration. I don’t want to even try anymore! How do I know land even exists? Maybe there is no way out of this. If I am destined to wander in pain, then I would rather lie down and accept my fate. I’m too weak. This is too much.”
Alone in her crossing, she is likely to fall. If only one could stand by her side, hold her trembling fingers and smile some encouragement her way. How would it feel to know that a fellow traveler was there to reach out to, someone to trade hope with, to propel forward in the necessary steps? “God, Father, give me something. I beg you.” The words rip open admission of her wavering but persistent faith. It lies on the shores where she courageously stepped off to begin this rebirth. Far, far behind her.
Where was God when this journey began? When the peace spread warmly in her chest and she sunk that first toe in the water, she had no idea how treacherous this would be. Where was the God who protects and guides? Why didn’t He sweep in and pull her away from this dangerous current? Her faith is as tattered and ruined as the Bible she got when she was nine years old, the one she carried around for most of her life, the one that sits silent and dusty on her bookshelf at home.
This is the dark and desolate place of crossing. This is the test of her endurance, of her core offerings. Whether the water rises or falls she must persevere in her attempt to enlarge her coasts. Suffering is inevitable. Clarity is her strength. Success is never guaranteed But the journey, the growth achieved is immeasurable in it’s worth. She is stronger with each crossing. She is purer in spirit, holier in the beauty of who she is.
In James 1: 2-4, it says “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”
Those dark waters are everywhere. They are part of the journey. They are treacherous and painful. Anxiety fills us when we stand alone. The beautiful truth is that we are never alone. We can look out over every river of change and see the opportunities, the chances to grow. Wading together through the pain of losses, kids growing up, heartaches, new loves, relationships, fears, family expectations, career adventures, growth in our spirits, searching for God and learning to love God within us, we can hold on to the beauty of companionship with each other and with our beautiful God. This is our time. This is our crossing…
I wrote this in 2007, posted it here in April 2011. Recently, a song came out entitled OCEANS by Hillsong. These words seem like a God sent response to the brokenness I expressed years ago. I listen to this song and feel so overwhelmed with God's love for me, for His patience and His presence through my crossing, through times of painful doubts, through rebellion and anger. He called me back. He held me tight. He showered me with grace...
Here's a video link to this amazing song.
http://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A2KIo9ih3qRSaggA.6T7w8QF;_ylu=X3oDMTB2bWx0ZzE4BHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDdmlkBHZ0aWQDVjExNgRncG9zAzQ-?p=oceans+hillsong+lyrics&vid=374473d056eb0508a65d7e73200ec0f8&l=8%3A59&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts2.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DV.4621789755671041%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DxoZE2RsthRg&tit=Oceans+%28Where+Feet+May+Fail%29+-+Hillsong+United+-+with+Lyrics&c=3&sigr=11aa780u0&sigt=11sinuoad&age=0&&tt=b
Her small arms are outstretched, fingers trailing the surface of the chilly water, leaving tendrils in each wake. The hip deep water rises slightly with every struggled pull of her right leg and then her left. Eyes are searching, desperate and weary for the land where she can crawl out and finally rest. But it is no where in sight. Fog covers her view with hopeless knowledge that here, where she stands, is her choice; trudge on further with faith in her power, faith in her God, or lie down and let the water roll it’s way over her mouth, filling her nostrils, taking her in it’s cold embrace.
The weight of the water seems to pull at her. Tender and fragile, how long can she last? How much more can she endure? She can feel the tingles in her limbs, the numbness growing stronger. Shivers come and go, leaving exhaustion behind. The coldness bites, a gnawing that never seems to stop. Mud slurps at her toes, sucking them deeper, making each step more difficult. It’s starting to feel like surrendering is the better way.
“I could just relax for a moment, let my fatigued muscles find some respite. My calves are cramping, my knees buckling and I am losing hope. I don’t want to be in this frustration. I don’t want to even try anymore! How do I know land even exists? Maybe there is no way out of this. If I am destined to wander in pain, then I would rather lie down and accept my fate. I’m too weak. This is too much.”
Alone in her crossing, she is likely to fall. If only one could stand by her side, hold her trembling fingers and smile some encouragement her way. How would it feel to know that a fellow traveler was there to reach out to, someone to trade hope with, to propel forward in the necessary steps? “God, Father, give me something. I beg you.” The words rip open admission of her wavering but persistent faith. It lies on the shores where she courageously stepped off to begin this rebirth. Far, far behind her.
Where was God when this journey began? When the peace spread warmly in her chest and she sunk that first toe in the water, she had no idea how treacherous this would be. Where was the God who protects and guides? Why didn’t He sweep in and pull her away from this dangerous current? Her faith is as tattered and ruined as the Bible she got when she was nine years old, the one she carried around for most of her life, the one that sits silent and dusty on her bookshelf at home.
This is the dark and desolate place of crossing. This is the test of her endurance, of her core offerings. Whether the water rises or falls she must persevere in her attempt to enlarge her coasts. Suffering is inevitable. Clarity is her strength. Success is never guaranteed But the journey, the growth achieved is immeasurable in it’s worth. She is stronger with each crossing. She is purer in spirit, holier in the beauty of who she is.
In James 1: 2-4, it says “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”
Those dark waters are everywhere. They are part of the journey. They are treacherous and painful. Anxiety fills us when we stand alone. The beautiful truth is that we are never alone. We can look out over every river of change and see the opportunities, the chances to grow. Wading together through the pain of losses, kids growing up, heartaches, new loves, relationships, fears, family expectations, career adventures, growth in our spirits, searching for God and learning to love God within us, we can hold on to the beauty of companionship with each other and with our beautiful God. This is our time. This is our crossing…
I wrote this in 2007, posted it here in April 2011. Recently, a song came out entitled OCEANS by Hillsong. These words seem like a God sent response to the brokenness I expressed years ago. I listen to this song and feel so overwhelmed with God's love for me, for His patience and His presence through my crossing, through times of painful doubts, through rebellion and anger. He called me back. He held me tight. He showered me with grace...
Verse #1
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown, where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand
Chorus:
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine
Verse #2
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed, and You won't start now
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed, and You won't start now
Chorus
Bridge:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior x 3
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior x 3
Ending:
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine
I am Yours, and You are mine
Here's a video link to this amazing song.
http://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A2KIo9ih3qRSaggA.6T7w8QF;_ylu=X3oDMTB2bWx0ZzE4BHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDdmlkBHZ0aWQDVjExNgRncG9zAzQ-?p=oceans+hillsong+lyrics&vid=374473d056eb0508a65d7e73200ec0f8&l=8%3A59&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts2.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DV.4621789755671041%26pid%3D15.1&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DxoZE2RsthRg&tit=Oceans+%28Where+Feet+May+Fail%29+-+Hillsong+United+-+with+Lyrics&c=3&sigr=11aa780u0&sigt=11sinuoad&age=0&&tt=b
Friday, April 15, 2011
Take My Hand
Take my hand. I will hold onto yours with strength and calm. I won't let go when trouble comes, when heartaches threaten, when tear drops fall. My head will bow to weep with you. My hand will grasp tighter, and we will walk together through it all.
I want to offer you, with the grip of my fingers, endurance, companionship, comfort, courage. Anything can be faced by two. Everything can be walked through with someone at your side. I will not abandon you when wounds need healing. I will love you with grace.
I offer you my outstretched hand, a friend who sees you and accepts you just for who you are. Without judgment, without rejection, I will listen to your open heart and love you for the beautiful creation you have always been. I won't try to carry you. Do not worry about burdening me. I can stand beside you without taking responsibility for your pain. I can journey next to you without dependence.
Our entangled fingers prove the consistent presence of our bond. With safety between us, we can travel together, blocking fear with love, soothing insecurities with honesty, crushing hesitancy with trust.
I am here, holding your hand to honor you. If you choose to let go, if you release my hand to follow your own path alone, I will smile in remembrance of my season with you. I will encourage your steps no matter how much distance they create. I will celebrate the growth we were allowed to share, and I will offer you the vision in my heart for your joy and peace. Grief may come, I will feel your absence, but mingled with my tears will be warmth residing in the palm of my hand.
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