Take My Hand

Take my hand. I will hold onto yours with strength and calm. I won't let go when trouble comes, when heartaches threaten, when tear drops fall. My head will bow to weep with you. My hand will grasp tighter, and we will walk together through it all.

I want to offer you, with the grip of my fingers, endurance, companionship, comfort, courage. Anything can be faced by two. Everything can be walked through with someone at your side. I will not abandon you when wounds need healing. I will love you with grace.

I offer you my outstretched hand, a friend who sees you and accepts you just for who you are. Without judgment, without rejection, I will listen to your open heart and love you for the beautiful creation you have always been. I won't try to carry you. Do not worry about burdening me. I can stand beside you without taking responsibility for your pain. I can journey next to you without dependence.

Our entangled fingers prove the consistent presence of our bond. With safety between us, we can travel together, blocking fear with love, soothing insecurities with honesty, crushing hesitancy with trust.

I am here, holding your hand to honor you. If you choose to let go, if you release my hand to follow your own path alone, I will smile in remembrance of my season with you. I will encourage your steps no matter how much distance they create. I will celebrate the growth we were allowed to share, and I will offer you the vision in my heart for your joy and peace. Grief may come, I will feel your absence, but mingled with my tears will be warmth residing in the palm of my hand.

HIS and HERS

HIS

He shrinks down lower in his chair

As the mindless arrows fly by

Trying to avoid their vicious sting.

Nothing prepares him for the warfare

And prevention seems impossible.

Where did the chest target come from?

A subtle attack on his humor

Or demeaning words said with a smile,

Violent kicks under the table.

His appeal is silent and desperate.

The pain in his quiet resolve shouts.

How can she miss those begging eyes?

Her lack of self love and self respect

Spur her attacks and anger forward

At the safest and closest bullseye.

She continues to pull back and fire

Differences paraded and mocked.

His pride lies lifeless at her feet.

Her unconscious arsenal continues

They soar by careless but sure

When will she open her eyes?

And see her guilt?

HERS

I might see too clearly

The reflection of eyes.

I may feel intensely

The emotions I hide.

I fear the eruptive

The sad fragility

The peril and rawness

In being “Exposed me.”

My secrets unburied

Where would my safety lie?

If my masks fall away

The cold woman must die.

My heart held in your hands

Is it safe or a risk?

Trusting you to hold me

Beating scared in your fist.

Do you deserve chances?

Has the time simply passed?

If I open my heart

Is it destined to last?

The fears that control me

Harshly blinding like sun

Will not let me love you.

I am choosing to run.

Am I Worth It?

Oh how you love me!

My prayer this morning was, “Teach me to know you better so I can worship you more.” I want to know intimately His holiness, His power and grace, His might, strength, and awesomeness. I want to know God. I want to fall on my face in humility at His greatness. I want to feel the weight of His wide, open arms.

I read Genesis 1, the incredible display of my Creator! I heard how He made us in His likeness, in His image. I felt the call, the naming of who I am in Him.

Then I opened my book and read these words…

“There is something mythic in the way a man is with a woman. Our sexuality offers a parable of amazing depth when it comes to being masculine and feminine. The man comes to offer his strength and the woman invites the man into herself, an act that requires courage and vulnerability and selflessness for both of them. Notice first that if the man will not rise to the occasion, nothing will happen, He must move, his strength must swell before he can enter her. But neither will the love consummate unless the woman opens herself in stunning vulnerability. When both are living as they were meant to live, the man enters his woman and offers her his strength. He spills himself there in her, for her, she draws him in, embraces and envelopes him. When all is over, he is spent, but ah, what a sweet death it is.” (Wild At Heart, John Eldredge)

I closed my eyes and drank in this, the most beautiful definition I have ever read of sex. But SO much more than sex! This is the picture of everything beautiful about relationship! Am I beautiful? Am I wanted? Am I worth fighting for? I have heard a resounding NO for so much of my life. And I have believed it. I have taken these lies deep into the core of who I am and allowed the echoing of such ugliness to resonate in my choices. I threw tantrums, I invited abuse, I begged for someone to prove me wrong.

And God brought me Peter.

He is wild and untamed. He is passionate and dangerous. He is strong and courageous. He is responsive and dynamic. He hears my story and wants to be my friend. I tell him of the destructive things I’ve done, my shame rises up ready to choke the love he thinks he feels for me. He uncovers  my face, bringing my hands down, and kisses my palms. He looks me in the eye and finds honor in my vulnerability. He loves me more. When I hide, he searches unceasingly. When I fight, he surrenders without thought to what he may suffer. When I crumble, he joins my devastation.

Oh how he heals me!

“I want to know you, God. Show me you.” I quietly prayed as I wiped my tears.

Jesus came to offer His strength. He willingly stood, his might solid, ready to act on my behalf. He spilled His blood so that I could have life. He poured out everything in Him so that I could receive His strength. And when I open myself in “stunning vulnerability” oh the love that is consummated between us! Oh, the life that surges through me! I am His beloved. I am desirable. I am worth fighting for.

Lunch today with our dear friend Dave was a predictable, overwhelming experience. He spoke into our hearts and exposed our wounds in the most loving and safe way possible. I was encouraged to love my children in bigger ways, challenged to intentionally allow exposure in my broken places, and offered opportunities to honor my husband more deeply. When we walked out of the restaurant he gave us his “random thought.” We must create space where our families of origin are respected and valued. I heard him and agreed that the dinners set aside to give attention to our own kids were invaluable and would be continued. My husband heard more.

His Spirit, open to God, quieted to listen. His strength swelled, his selflessness rose ready to move forward into my vulnerable heart, the core piece of me that has been wrenched while witnessing the pain I have brought my children in my decision to divorce their dad. This is the part that has defined me, encouraged me, and has held me together through countless battles for my sanity. I am honored and blessed in innumerable ways to be a mother. My husband stood up and spilled himself for my children and I. He spoke into my defenseless space and made a magnificent sacrifice so that I could spend precious time with my children. Once again, he relished the beauty of my full heart, he showed me how desirable my joy was, he proved that I am worth fighting for.

Hey Nick, Crystal, and Jordan!! Our vacation to San Francisco will just be the four of us!  

The Secret of Closure

     I found my notes today from Pastor Bill's sermon on January 12th, 2008. It was a continuation on his series, "The Secrets of a Highly Contented Life," focusing on the life of Joseph. Genesis chapter 37, where the world is facing famine and Egypt's Joseph has the only surplus to give, so Jacob sends his ten sons to get food.

     Bill talked about the load of guilt these ten brothers were carrying, had been for the past twenty years, for hating their little brother Joseph so much that they threw him in a pit, ignored his cries for help, sold him into slavery, and lied to their father about his death. "The Secret of Closure" is the idea that we have to deal with the unfinished business of our life to find contentment. "You will never be content with a guilty, nagging conscience."

     How does God bring closure? How does He provide us with this chance for peace?

     1. God brings us back to our true identity. Here's the line that reached me... "God does not name us by our failures. He names us by our potential." Our identity in Christ is one of freedom as His child, as Heir with Christ, as completely forgiven and unconditionally loved people. We walk around this Earth with our backs breaking from guilt over things we've done and things we wish we would've done, labeling ourselves with our failures, instead of allowing God's cleansing to complete us and celebrating the identity He provides.

     So the ten brothers are on their way to Egypt, which is a reminder of their guilt knowing they sent their brother there years ago. This is violently shaking the dark skeletons in their closets. They are overwhelmed with the full affect of guilt, of haunting memories, of feeling like they have passed the point of no return. They're not aware that God is starting them on a path of closure.

     2. God confronts us with the truth about ourselves. "God is confronting them...they won't admit they are guilty, so they can never find release. As long as they deny the truth, they can never experience forgiveness. God brings them face to face with the truth." We choose to minimize, to deny, to swallow, to distract, anything to avoid the truth about ourselves. Our God is merciful and compassionate as He leads us to a place where we are forced to see clearly. This is where healing starts.

     The ten brothers have to face Joseph, though they don't recognize him, they are being confronted with the truth. They know they are guilty and they are starting to face it. Instead of blaming others, justifying their actions, or avoiding this pain, they are finally accepting the truth.

     3. God shows us grace. Through Joseph's actions of giving them grain, returning their money, supplying provisions for their journey, he shows them grace and the brothers in return are afraid. "What is this that God has done to us?" They are terrified of grace in the middle of their guilt. God is doing all He can to "restore their spiritual lives, make them whole again, resurface the skeletons in their closet. Not to punish them, but to get rid of this unfinished business once and for all." What an amazing picture of God's grace! He isn't condemning their sin, punishing them with a strong hand, pressing their mistakes in their faces. No.

     It may feel like that at times. We don't want to be reminded of those things we buried as deeply as we could. We don't want to admit the messes we made. We don't want to stare in a clear mirror and see this truth...and when we do, we are not expecting grace. Grace humbles us, makes us feel ashamed of our deep sin. We deserve punishment, but we hide from it. We recieve grace and we are afraid of it.

     "The point is grace. If your heart is chained by guilt, you will never feel free or content until God balances the books, until God balances the scales of justice. You can never do it. God must pay for your sins. God must pull you back out of your guilt...The answer to all guilt is the cross, the highest expression of God's grace."

     4. God is calling us to faith. "You can never outweigh your guilt. Your good deeds can never balance the scales. Only God can do it, only the cross. The only way to receive the benefits of Jesus and His shed blood is by faith. Faith to get started, faith to keep going. God is inviting you to a deeper, yielded, mature faith today."

     Faith to trust God enough to open that closet and allow Him room to expose us so we can be free of that guilt. Faith to know He loves us no matter what, He already knows what's in our closet, and He wants us to be free of it. Faith to know that He paid the ultimate price on the cross and wants us to feel the benefits of His sacrifice.

     I sit here reading, absorbing these concepts, aching, physically aching for this kind of healing. Here it is plain and simple:

     We have hurt each other in deep and lasting ways. But we are God's children and God loves us. Our identity is secure in Christ's death on the cross. Do we recognize our worth, the treasures we are to God?

     Often we have been confronted with truth. We are devastated by the guilt and shame that rises up and screams how worthless we must be. But this is our opportunity to throw open that dark closet and cleanse our lives of the skeletons. The truth is sitting here staring us in the face everyday. God is giving us that confrontation of truth.

     God's grace...Do we have any idea that this exposing of our sin is a good thing? That God is, through His perfect grace, providing us a way of healing? We are afraid of it, ashamed of ourselves, and refuse to come out of hiding. Our hearts are chained in guilt, and will stay there until we allow God's cleansing power to have what we've been holding on to for so long.

     Faith....I am afraid we get stuck way back at the beginning of this sermon. How can we not get it? Are we stuck still trying to hide it, still fighting the exposed feeling, desparate to keep that stuff in the closet? We will never be free to be happy, content, or whole until we face the truth. How many of us still suffer with the guilt and the shame of our fallible existence, never feeling the amazing grace of God embracing us, never feeling the joy of our true identity in Christ, never being able to celebrate God in our lives, never hearing that still, small voice calling our hearts.

Truth that Sets Me Free

The truth that set me free was the sinking in of the reality that God loves me so completely. He loves me for who I am right now. He loves me in spite of my mistakes. He loves me unconditionally. He loves me, blesses me, honors me as He does Jesus. Romans 5:16-17 AND Nothing can separate me from his love and these blessings. Romans 8:35-39 Nothing can pluck me out of his hand.

John 10:28-30

It's when I got ahold of what His grace truly offers me...EVERYTHING...that grace is forgiveness for past, present, and future, that grace is loving me through every mistake, that grace is Him sitting here wanting me to grow, knowing the opportunities that are in front of me, and patiently waiting for me to let go of the things that hold me back so that I can take those steps forward. Grace is my identity. Grace is the gift He has filled ever inch of my life with. Grace is what makes me want to serve him and grace is where I find joy and comfort. Grace doesn't mean guilt, shame, manipulating, demanding repentance, or changes, it isn't condemnation and it isn't ugly. It's this beautiful acceptance of me, right where I am today with all my weaknesses. It's this love and freedom and open warmth. And in this grace, I am made capable to overcome my weaknesses, I am motivated to Love my God and I learn to trust his inherent goodness and his perfect love.

Sometimes we may not feel like He's always with us but that's where real faith comes in. It's where we make the choice to believe anyway. Like the song says...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syKpkglSsdY

I know many disagree with me when I say that I don't feel shame anymore, or let guilt rule, because I am free in Christ and in his love for me. It's not about me working for his favor anymore. It's about me basking in the favor he has already promised is mine. That's why I serve Him and find comfort in him and have learned to trust him. It's His grace that sets me free.