Am I Worth It?

Oh how you love me!

My prayer this morning was, “Teach me to know you better so I can worship you more.” I want to know intimately His holiness, His power and grace, His might, strength, and awesomeness. I want to know God. I want to fall on my face in humility at His greatness. I want to feel the weight of His wide, open arms.

I read Genesis 1, the incredible display of my Creator! I heard how He made us in His likeness, in His image. I felt the call, the naming of who I am in Him.

Then I opened my book and read these words…

“There is something mythic in the way a man is with a woman. Our sexuality offers a parable of amazing depth when it comes to being masculine and feminine. The man comes to offer his strength and the woman invites the man into herself, an act that requires courage and vulnerability and selflessness for both of them. Notice first that if the man will not rise to the occasion, nothing will happen, He must move, his strength must swell before he can enter her. But neither will the love consummate unless the woman opens herself in stunning vulnerability. When both are living as they were meant to live, the man enters his woman and offers her his strength. He spills himself there in her, for her, she draws him in, embraces and envelopes him. When all is over, he is spent, but ah, what a sweet death it is.” (Wild At Heart, John Eldredge)

I closed my eyes and drank in this, the most beautiful definition I have ever read of sex. But SO much more than sex! This is the picture of everything beautiful about relationship! Am I beautiful? Am I wanted? Am I worth fighting for? I have heard a resounding NO for so much of my life. And I have believed it. I have taken these lies deep into the core of who I am and allowed the echoing of such ugliness to resonate in my choices. I threw tantrums, I invited abuse, I begged for someone to prove me wrong.

And God brought me Peter.

He is wild and untamed. He is passionate and dangerous. He is strong and courageous. He is responsive and dynamic. He hears my story and wants to be my friend. I tell him of the destructive things I’ve done, my shame rises up ready to choke the love he thinks he feels for me. He uncovers  my face, bringing my hands down, and kisses my palms. He looks me in the eye and finds honor in my vulnerability. He loves me more. When I hide, he searches unceasingly. When I fight, he surrenders without thought to what he may suffer. When I crumble, he joins my devastation.

Oh how he heals me!

“I want to know you, God. Show me you.” I quietly prayed as I wiped my tears.

Jesus came to offer His strength. He willingly stood, his might solid, ready to act on my behalf. He spilled His blood so that I could have life. He poured out everything in Him so that I could receive His strength. And when I open myself in “stunning vulnerability” oh the love that is consummated between us! Oh, the life that surges through me! I am His beloved. I am desirable. I am worth fighting for.

Lunch today with our dear friend Dave was a predictable, overwhelming experience. He spoke into our hearts and exposed our wounds in the most loving and safe way possible. I was encouraged to love my children in bigger ways, challenged to intentionally allow exposure in my broken places, and offered opportunities to honor my husband more deeply. When we walked out of the restaurant he gave us his “random thought.” We must create space where our families of origin are respected and valued. I heard him and agreed that the dinners set aside to give attention to our own kids were invaluable and would be continued. My husband heard more.

His Spirit, open to God, quieted to listen. His strength swelled, his selflessness rose ready to move forward into my vulnerable heart, the core piece of me that has been wrenched while witnessing the pain I have brought my children in my decision to divorce their dad. This is the part that has defined me, encouraged me, and has held me together through countless battles for my sanity. I am honored and blessed in innumerable ways to be a mother. My husband stood up and spilled himself for my children and I. He spoke into my defenseless space and made a magnificent sacrifice so that I could spend precious time with my children. Once again, he relished the beauty of my full heart, he showed me how desirable my joy was, he proved that I am worth fighting for.

Hey Nick, Crystal, and Jordan!! Our vacation to San Francisco will just be the four of us!